An inaugural contest to determine the nation’s most agile snot-launchers remains unresolved as of Monday night, after 7-year-old competitor Brad “Schnozz” Turkington was accused of eating at least two such projectiles before judges could fully evaluate the round’s results.
Consisting of six rounds alternately testing accuracy and distance, while also taking into account artistic merit (bonus points are granted for especially marbled and rounded specimens), the all-ages BFC, held over the weekend in Minneapolis, MN (also known as ‘the nostril of the Midwest’) was, in the words of 62-year-old rival John “No Blood” Johnson, “clipping along at a fine pace,” until Turkington allegedly ran out of ammo. “Upon finding he had no more boogers to flick,” ruled a referee, “the boy decided to simply take things into his own hands. And mouth.”
Johnson further commented, “The kiddo was merely jealous. Considering my twelve-point lead after four rounds, who can blame him?” Johnson’s streak of regional wins came to a head in round three with a perfect bullseye, flicked so hard but with such grace that the attempt earned the sport’s first-ever perfect ten. “Like, duh,” 17-year-old rookie Samantha Sniffer of California said, popping her bubble gum when asked for an interview, “Like, I don’t know how anyone can beat that… and the kid’s the one being accused of cheating? Bummer.”
Upon being grilled by his parents for his on-field shenanigans, Turkington himself only sneezed and asked for a drink of water. Officials are using a one-day break to review tape of the action and determine what to do from here. Can the also-rans catch up? Can they use this hard-earned time off to generate more and better boogers? Or will they dry up and crust over like when you walk into frigid weather from inside and inhale too hard? Only time will tell.