Dr. Gary Hobnob of rural Oklahoma emerged from a crowded field of competitors this past Sunday to claim the prestigious title of World Behavioral Psychotherapy Champion, only to declare the achievement the pinnacle of his career and subsequently quit.
“I only see farmers and meth addicts in my private practice anymore,” he lamented, “so I thought maybe this would be a chance to branch out.” Hobnob surprised everyone by motivating a millennial to detach from a deranged sense of entitlement in the pool round, then survived a tough challenge in the quarterfinals by tackling a tricky marital session, in which the couple ended up realizing that they had each essentially married an exact copy of a dead parent.
“When my opponent pulled the co-dependence card,” Hobnob recalls, “I thought I was toast for sure. You’ve got to admire that kind of tenacity. But I hung in there.” After a paperwork mix-up that billed an exorbitant amount of money to the organizers’ flimsy insurance policy, he later admitted he had gotten lucky at times. Only when a mother of an autistic child left the isolated office in tears did he realize he had an open path to the win.
“Drama, on and off the couch,” quipped defending champion Jacob McClasky, who had his streak of four consecutive titles snapped, “but if you ask me, what was Gary doing with that bottle of Zoloft in his pocket? There’s a difference between psychology and psychiatry, folks.” Will Hobnob rise to those accusations, change his mind like he made an important self-discovery and return to defend his title? Or will dozens of counselors compete afresh in 2020, all with that much better a chance to snag a first-place monetary prize larger than their annual salary? Only time will tell.