National Kevin Bacon Championships Spawn Theories

Does this really need a caption?

Hundreds of trivia buffs and entertainment enthusiasts converged upon the San Francisco metro this past Wednesday to determine the best of the best at the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, and ended up concocting a religion.

“Kevin Bacon,” proclaimed headmaster of ceremonies Susan Bartolomon during the closing ceremony, “is heretofore to be considered the center of the universe, around which all other things revolve and out of which all other things evolve. His interconnectedness with all things and all people is, to put it simply, awe-inspiring.”

Blatantly ignoring the fact that Bacon has not been seen in a widely distributed film in a considerable number of years, and is in fact, therefore merely human, as well as the concept that got everyone in the room in the first place, Bartolomon proceeded to gather her fellow competitors in a circle and chant names of Bacon’s works for hours. Finally, a bathroom break ensued, and this reporter was able to get the inside scoop.

“I thought for a minute there she was going to declare the seventh degree,” Pat Conrad of Baton Rogue, LA mused while at the urinals, “as if none of us were worthy. Personally, there might just be a little poor sportsmanship going on, considering how she was slow on the draw connecting Bacon to WWF legend Shawn Michaels. And then again to Condoleeza Rice! I mean, come on… what was up with that?”

Will Bartolomon’s new clan spread its gospel like wildfire? Or will the earth’s ever-expanding population eventually break the very rule that gave birth to the Most Almighty Example of Pure and Holy Baconism? Only time will tell.

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