Alexandra Barnsworth of Miami, FL cruised right into the World Competitive Slapping Championship title this past Saturday when she realized that its all-gender policy allowed her to take advantage of the social unacceptability of men slapping women.
“I told them over and over again, bring it on,” bragged Barnsworth, bulging her bicep right in front of this reporter’s face, “but we live in such an era where the best these chumps could do is barely lay five fingers on me at once.” Most matchups, indeed, were better contested than the final, with men versus men and women versus women delivering three slaps per round in single-elimination format. Points were granted on such metrics as noise of impact, redness of skin, grace of delivery (backhand or otherwise) and overall reaction of the recipient, while officials enforced strict protocols on waiting one’s turn before returning a particularly violent slap.
“Someone higher up didn’t think this structure through very well,” complained Zander McFarson, “yet if I’d truly given it my best, I think I would have knocked this lady off her chair.” Fellow male entrants then snickered behind McFarson’s back about the size and hairiness of his palms, bringing into question not only the possible aerodynamic compromise involved, but also an ethical self-stimulatory quandary that for the mercy of all readers shall remain undetailed within the scope of this article.
Can Barnsworth return in 2020 to defend her title? Or will the belt be split to accommodate both sexes? Will McFarson’s Catholic upbringing expose way more than anyone wanted to know, or will his continued adventures in slapping amount to just a serial case of razor burn? Only time will tell.