An octogenarian version of the globe’s most prestigious and challenging competition involving nostalgic schoolyard shenanigans ground to a sudden halt this past weekend, after all eight contestants suffered injuries while attempting to hop from number 3 to numbers 4 and 5.
Despite participants’ being helped onto and off the course by a corps of able-bodied and much younger volunteers (a.k.a. underpaid social workers using their association with these cronies as stepping stones toward more meaningful careers), incidents withstood along the course of the afternoon ranged from a dislocated hip to a bitten tongue resulting from sudden reaction to having lost one’s dentures somewhere within the nearby grassy field.
This reporter attempted to gather more information from 94-year-old Fred Hunt, but was only told, “Get off my lawn!” before he turned away and attempted to place a call on his iPhone while holding it upside-down. “I told them not to do this…” complained 82-year-old Martha Madsen, “after all, they scheduled it right on top of my Matlock program. Where’s my walker?”
It turned out that Hunt could have won had he simply chosen to take the title by default, since seven people had failed before him. This reporter presumes by the medals on his jacket that Hunt’s days in WWII instilled a certain sense of stubbornness and grit that he wanted to prove to everyone watching. That, or dementia. Will the assisted-living center that calls itself FOGIE ever dare to try something like this again? Or can these skeletons barely holding on to their last living breaths finally be allowed to pee in their Depends in peace? Only time will tell.